My beloved kampung.

At the first sight of the old faithful Baram river, i took one deep long breath to savour the moment. I was unable to identify any of the different scent of the trees nor the river. I wanted to ask the driver, but quickly withdrew the idea after realising how silly the question would be. Whatever the scent was, i decided to named it the jungle scent.

The last time i went back to Lio Mato was ten years ago. I could hardly recall the memories and time i spent there. Apart from meeting my grandparents uncles, aunties and cousins, i also remembered playing soccer at one of the Christmas tournament in kampung.

I must admit that i was a bit terrified and numb knowing that i would be going back to Lio Mato after a very long time. I felt almost senile, as if i betrayed my kampung for the pleasures of the cities. As though i was no longer a part of this Kenyah community. I felt that i don't belong here.

I remembered how my body stiffened when my father announced that we are going back to Lio Mato for Christmas. I didn't received it well. I knew he could tell from my face expression. I was thinking of something smart to say and tried to make an excuse, but all i could forced to do was a slight smile in approval.

I'm glad that i decided follow my family to go back to Lio Mato. It was a very meaningful time. It was God's present for me this Christmas. For the first time in many years, we come back as one big family and celebrate Christmas together. Though i couldn't converse very well in kenyah, by just being there felt that i was already speaking to them.

As i post this entry, i heart misses all my family back in kampung. I could almost feel the warm tears i shed when i waved goodbye to them as we left Lio Mato. My heart was growing fond of my big family in kampung when it was time to go. It felt almost cruel, parting us when we were getting close.. Nevertheless, they are still close to my heart... a part of who i am now.

I know i have changed in some ways after my visit to Lio Mato. It was a heart warming moment to be able to embrace this big family of mine. Now, i have a mission for my kampung. I wish to help my cousins, especially those in secondary school now in their studies. Two of them are doing quite well and i know that they could go far. I spoke to them about studying in Universtiy and hope to spur them to achieve high in their studies.

I also took family photos of different uncles and aunties. I wish to print it big and framed the photos for them. Apart from that, i have also promised myself to sharpened my kenyah language... hehe..

This is the view of Lio Mato from the sampan i was on.
According to my cousin Emang, Lio it's the only kampung with coconut trees.


This is our temporary longhouse. A new one is expected to be built.


I woke one morning and saw this beautiful morning scene

A waterfall near a logging camp.

SMK Lio Mato School. Only have five classes with 4 teachers.

At our LasT......

Last friday was my last bible study session for the year 2006 with Politeknik students. I have decided that it would be a good time to have a closing for our bible study. Therefore i decided to do two things for our last bible study together. First, we did a honest with God approach bible study.

We use manuscript from 1 Peter 2:1-5 then 9-10. It was the most simple bible study method. It just amazing how the usage of "bare lines" could potray dissagrement, struggles and achievements. It was something simple, yet hard to do.

The reason being is that it forces us to look at ourself at the mirror.. to see the real us. With "bare lines" as expresions, we identify with God's Word. We also struggle and wrestle with issues that clings our hearts. Most importantly when we come to God in honesty, we are stripped from everything which eventually lead us to come to God in total humility.

I'm glad that the students appreciated it. Before we ended, i asked if any of them wanted to share. None did. I was not sure then whether they were captured by the Word. But later i realised that to many of them, it was difficult to share and i understand that. A student came to me and said 'thank you.' When i asked why, he answered, "The passage today was meant for him" He struggles but he seems glad to able to be honest with God. I know this because when i do it, it wasn't easy too..

Inspired by Annette, i have also decided to have a bible quiz for the students. Over the months, we have look into some encounters of Jesus, Jonah and also the book of Philippians. I design some quiz questions and gave the students at the end of the bible study. You can't imagine the looks of the students face when i announced that we'll be having a quiz. Poor fellas, they never saw it coming... hehe. Perhaps it's also because that they will be having their finals soon.

Anyway, it was also a meaningful moment. Andy, scored the highest points. He is a regular comer for the Bible study. Later, i reminded the students about being a Wordilicious Investigators... to dig deep into the Word of God.

I have always appreciated this bible study. Why?
1. It forces me to stretch myself, thinking out of the box and digging deeper in the Word.
2. It was a venue for me to encounter God as well. Even as i prepare for it, i could also feel God was dealing with me.
3. I was so inspired by these students who comes with a heart of wanting to have more of God's Word.

Before i end, to all the Politeknik students, all the best in your exams. Let us be Wordilicious Investigators at anytime and anywhere...


The students after the received their quiz results.

The above pic is before they received it. hehe

Our discoveries about God and self.

That's Andy in the middle.

From left: Colin, Simon, Sam (the one who drank from the sea), Baralyn (blue t-shirt), I forget her name (sorry), Paya (Pink t-shirt) and the nakal James.

The most handsome person is in the red t-shirt :p

"I tasted the sea...."

I went for politeknik camp on the 13th to the 15th of October. The theme for the camp was "Hendaklah engkau menjadi teladan pada masa mudamu." Quite a strong theme, i thought to myself. I was asked to give two workshops and i only have three days to prepare (they only asked me three days before).

The camp was held in camp permai. A camp site which the CF has been faithfully gone over the years. Probably one of the reason being is that the camp site has a beautiful beach. It's ashamed that i didn't have my camera with me. I could have taken some pictures and upload it in the blog.

Pendekkan cerita, i manage to prepare. We had a group dynamic for the first workshop. It was something similiar to a treasure hunt. One of the station was the beach. The task on the beach was simple, find a coke hidden somewhere. There's this one guy by the name of Sam, after his group found the coke, he ran to the end of the beach where the sea met the sand. Then he folded his long trousers up to his knee and went deeper in to the sea. He tightens his fingers as if he was begging, dip his hand into the sea and pull out a handful portion of seawater. Then he did the unexpected, he drank it.

There was this shine on his face. It was almost as if he was enlighten. Then he ran to me and said this. "Bro Ray. Betul apa orang kata selama ini. Laut tu memang masin.." You may be laughing, but i wish you could his face when he said those words. There were expresions of innocence and pure at heart. I was so moved. I could almost feel beads of tears in my eye.

It somehow remind me of our first love for God. Do we still come to God with this innocence and pure at heart...? i wonder...

Camp...

A group photo of the ICATS PPK camp. It was at mount singai... Will post an entry about the camp. At the moment, internet is extremely slow...

I'm no man of steel....

Last weekend i was reminded of the simplest fact that we usually forget at times when we need to be strong and tough... i'm merely just human. I'm not sure about you, i sometimes feel obligated to be strong. If you are thinking of the need to be dominace, a superior feeling of taking charge or being up front leading soldiers to the battlefield, you judged me wrongly...

My sense of strength or being strong is not about biceps and triceps. Ironicly, is had to do more about our feelings and emotions. At that particular moment, i was convinced a punch in the face would felt like a mere pinch at the toe compared to the milions unexpressed feelings forced to silence deep down in the heart. That was my resort for being strong... being silence, ignoring this little feelings, injecting a full dose of numbness and putting on my best smile... All of these because i feel that i need to be strong...

Yes, i was sure i was strong enough. I was certain i have achieved what was needed. No sweat, no problem. It was easy as snapping your fingers. Voila... just shut up and keep silent... However, who was i fooling? People around me? Those who get to see my best smiles?

Surely, i proved to be the biggest fool at that particular moment. A fool who thinks he is strong but in reality is truly fragile. I decided not to kept silent, i wanted to speak of these little feelings. After merely few words uttered, i broke in tears. These tears caught me by suprise. I wish i could stop, but it was impossible. I just wept and wept... i forced myself to speak as i gasped and wept, believe me it wasn't easy. I'm was not sure what came out from my mouth made sense...

At that particular moment, being strong was no longer a need for me. I don't want to be strong... i don't to hold back these little feelings. I don't care what people say about a man crying.. it just impossible no to cry. At that particular moment, i felt that my tears was the best thing to happened and i'm not lying. It was almost as if over the time of silence, my feelings, thoughts and words has turned to a bag of tears waiting to burst out. That was exactly what had happened. My long silence broke into tears...

I felt better after that. I have learned (in an embarrassing way) that tears is a language for the unspoken feelings in our heart. A language that the heart recognize. You may not be able to relate to anything i wrote in this post, perhaps one day you will... in a particular moment. :p

R.A.Y.N.E.L.D the robot

Guess what i found... hehe.

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alt="Robotic Android Yearning for Nocturnal Exploration and Logical Destruction"
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I see monkeys jumping... (to the tune of, i see dead people)

More than half of my month of August have just swift passed by. At the moment i'm trying to recalled some thoughts and feelings of these passed days. I remembered being extremely tired during the first week. I dreaded the time when i forced myself awake at 5.15 in the morning. Very much hated the time i spent waiting, especially in the car. Be at my very best behaviour by being supportive, always smiling while gesturing help whereas deep in my soul i was insecure and terrified. All done in the name of commitment for the one i whom cherished. :p

I gave thanks for the retreat we had. If there's one thing i have remembered from the retreat, it's has to be the moment of silence i had with God. It was something that i really badly needed to have. During one of our meditation and quieting down, Ohtawa read a portion from the Henry Nouwen's book (Here and now) that caught my heart. It was a portion that described how sometimes we are distracted by jumping monkeys on a banana tree (figure of speech) as we start to quieten ourselves down to meditate or to pray. I giggled at first, then i ponder at how true the profound statement was. I do feel the presence of these jumping monkeys. Been trying to identify these different monkeys ever since.... hehe.

I have make it a point to set a time apart for me to be silent and to reflect. I'm convince that it would be good for me. It would be a concerntrated effort to create time and space made available for God.