Camp...

A group photo of the ICATS PPK camp. It was at mount singai... Will post an entry about the camp. At the moment, internet is extremely slow...

I'm no man of steel....

Last weekend i was reminded of the simplest fact that we usually forget at times when we need to be strong and tough... i'm merely just human. I'm not sure about you, i sometimes feel obligated to be strong. If you are thinking of the need to be dominace, a superior feeling of taking charge or being up front leading soldiers to the battlefield, you judged me wrongly...

My sense of strength or being strong is not about biceps and triceps. Ironicly, is had to do more about our feelings and emotions. At that particular moment, i was convinced a punch in the face would felt like a mere pinch at the toe compared to the milions unexpressed feelings forced to silence deep down in the heart. That was my resort for being strong... being silence, ignoring this little feelings, injecting a full dose of numbness and putting on my best smile... All of these because i feel that i need to be strong...

Yes, i was sure i was strong enough. I was certain i have achieved what was needed. No sweat, no problem. It was easy as snapping your fingers. Voila... just shut up and keep silent... However, who was i fooling? People around me? Those who get to see my best smiles?

Surely, i proved to be the biggest fool at that particular moment. A fool who thinks he is strong but in reality is truly fragile. I decided not to kept silent, i wanted to speak of these little feelings. After merely few words uttered, i broke in tears. These tears caught me by suprise. I wish i could stop, but it was impossible. I just wept and wept... i forced myself to speak as i gasped and wept, believe me it wasn't easy. I'm was not sure what came out from my mouth made sense...

At that particular moment, being strong was no longer a need for me. I don't want to be strong... i don't to hold back these little feelings. I don't care what people say about a man crying.. it just impossible no to cry. At that particular moment, i felt that my tears was the best thing to happened and i'm not lying. It was almost as if over the time of silence, my feelings, thoughts and words has turned to a bag of tears waiting to burst out. That was exactly what had happened. My long silence broke into tears...

I felt better after that. I have learned (in an embarrassing way) that tears is a language for the unspoken feelings in our heart. A language that the heart recognize. You may not be able to relate to anything i wrote in this post, perhaps one day you will... in a particular moment. :p